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bekindrewrite, creative writing, fiction, flash fiction, good short stories, how to write a short story, inmon, Inspiration Monday, K Patrick Moody, Kim P Moody, point of view, pov, Voice Week, writer, writer's block, writing, writing help, writing ideas, writing prompts
Voice Week is an experimental writing challenge to help us stretch our versatility in voice and tone. Each Voice Week participant writes five versions of the same story – from five different points of view. Then, October 1 through 5, we post, compare, sharpen, and grow.
It is organised by the BeKindRewrite Inspiration Monday team, and we’ll all be passing comment on each others’ stories.
Day 1 introduced Derek, and Chelsea – today we take Derek’s point of view. Here is my take on An old man take 2 …
* * *
Sixty! Sixty bloody years old, and what have I got to show for it?
Strewth! Here comes Chelsea. Look at those knockers. No, don’t!
“Hello Dez, happy birthday!”
Fancy her remembering. Fancy her, if only … a few years younger.
“Oh, thank you, Chelsea.”
“I’ve got you a little pressy as it’s such a special day for you.” Huh, that means she knows I’m heading for my pension. Mind you, she’s no spring chicken – nice breasts though.
“That is very sweet of you, thanks.” That’s nice, ooh, she really shouldn’t wear that tee shirt in the office, it could give a bloke a bit of a turn.
“I thought you would like to peel the wrapping off your special treat.” Too right, I would! I might have reached sixty, but it doesn’t mean I’ve lost it. Better just unwrap the present … for now, anyway.
* * *
(c) 2012, K Patrick Moody
Scratchypen's Blog 
Pingback: Voice Week – take 2 « Scratchypen's Blog
Interesting change, replacing all the narrative with inner monologue. Very effective. He seems dirtier in this one – not fighting his impulses quite as hard as in yesterday’s version. I had to laugh at “No, don’t!”
He’s doing ok – so far! Thanks.
Pingback: Voice Week – Day 2 « Scratchypen’s Blog « Voice Week HQ
such a dirty dirty old man 😉 I love seeing the inner working of his mind with this piece
Thanks Carrie! Must be his age!
ahh Chelsea doesn’t seem so desperate in this one 🙂
Definite shift of focus. Thanks Raina
What a dog! Lol!
Quite a contrast from what an observer (someone who would have seen the scene as your previous post) would have fathomed! Brilliant!
Looking forward to Chelsea’s point of view! 🙂
Thanks for your comment,Parul. What goes on inside is sometimes totally at odds to what is said and done outwardly. But watch for peoples’ body language – they can’t hide that.
I really love how this is developing. Starting with the omniscient and then giving each character a chance to speak… brilliant! And they all have the same “accent,” yet somehow, each voice is distinct.
Thanks for your comment SW. Should I work on the accents? Glad you’re enjoying the read.
Not if they’re all from the same place. I actually think it’s really impressive how you’re conveying different personalities with the SAME accent. Real mastery of consistent speech pattern and view (something lacking from a lot of stuff I read). Kudos!
Thank you for taking the time to comment.
OK, you definitely have been spying on me! Cut it out before you get me into trouble!
Your secret is safe with me!
Haha! I love the stream of consciousness! Really captures his internal struggle.
=)
A clever change of style with the inner dialogue taking centre stage.
As someone who’s reached 60 I’m with Derek.
I’ll be there very soon!